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161025

thunder.

you arrived like thunder

loud and clear.

my love for you stayed

while you walked into the darkness

into nowhere

nowhere that I could find you.

you leave me in the lurch

while I find things to fill

to fill the void you left.

I was listening

to the sounds that were deafening

silence was heard

as you left me hurt.

161010

With a heavy feeling in my heart, I’m typing this after visiting one of my relatives in the ICU. 

I knew that she had many illnesses trapped in her frail body, but this time round it was serious. I’m not close to her. When I saw her with tubes stuck into her body and nose, it hurt me physically and my eyes started to tear. She couldn’t talk – but the redness in her moist eyes, I could tell that she wanted to so badly. I could tell that she knew her situation was bad and that she wanted out of this. Nobody asked her to be in this condition. It was all too sudden – during a long awaited gathering with her close friends, her plate of food fell and she couldn’t feel anything in her right arm. It was a stroke. Nobody knew it was coming, that unmerciful thing. 

Why did God let her suffer this when she was already suffering from so many other illnesses? What did she do so wrong in order to suffer all these? I don’t know. 

Looking at her lying on the hospital bed, I wondered. I wondered what if I was the one lying there instead of her? It hurt me still. It hurt me that I wouldn’t be able to do the things I want, the things that I want to accomplish before I die. It hurt me when the thought of others coming to pay me a visit. Others who aren’t close to me in life. Why are they here? I don’t need their pity looks. I want to cry. God, how much do I have to pay to stay like these for another two more months? Please, just, take my pain away. 

161009

How do we escape from the clutches of worldly matters and desires? 

It’s always a challenge to handle financial problems of our own. In order to maintain our social statuses and material wants, everyone are needy for cash. When facing dire financial situations, where do we go to seek help? Legal money lenders such as the banks or through illegal means like the loan sharks? Do we seek our friends that are willing to help but incapable of? 

I myself has never faced any financial problems even though I often moan out “I’m broke!” in frustration. For those who face financial problems, do they actually realise that it’s a major problem that they can’t ignore in order to live well? 

When we know that we’re in dire need of a sudden rain of money, but we still continue shopping for our material wants. Clothes, bags, shoes, accessories, things that we find pretty, food etc. We don’t actually need them but we get them anyway. Such desires, are they worth regretting over when we find out our bank account is slowly decreasing until we can’t swipe our cards anymore? Are they worth crying over when we can actually think thrice before purchasing them? 

161002

What are my greatest fears?

Well, firstly, it would definitely be rollercoasters. No matter how not exciting it’s going to be, I’m still going to be afraid of them. Although, I’m able to go on a few that’s not too overwhelming. Life, like a rollercoaster, consists of overwhelming rides and not too overwhelming rides. How to take it depends on ourselves. Should we face it with positivity or negativity that we will not be able to take it and panic during the ride?

The fear of the wrath of God. It’s true, you can treat God as one of your best friends and  confide in Him. However, we should also respect what he wants for us and obey Him so that we can be more like God.  God is all powerful and mighty. Everything that happens in our life, no matter good or bad; it’s all God’s doing to make us stronger and understand what he wants best for us. But, do we not blame God whenever something comes against our ways? Do we not ask Him why is He giving us problems? Do all of us here obey God’s every command? Why not we ask ourselves whether we are willing to give everything up to God and let him control everything. Then, we’ll truly know how God can work in our lives and become a better servant to Him.

The list continues on but one thing that I fear is to not being able to achieve my dreams. I don’t have a dream now, but I want to accomplish whatever that is given to be done successfully. I had failures in my life that impacted my life, but I don’t wish for them to affect my future chances of achieving something better that I have never thought of achieving them myself.