Wallowing in self pity doesn't get me anywhere yet I still do it, almost everyday. There are so many people out there who can do the things I can do better. When I try my best all I can thing of are people who can do better in the things I do. They say each and everyone of us are made and crafted specially and differently. I've always felt that when God created me, he must have felt this child isn't going to go anywhere in life. Why can't I just be contented in what I'm doing right now? It feels like I'm being stringed along, I don't know where I'm heading in life, I'm just waiting for life to bring me wherever it wants to me go. And that scares me because I'm afraid it's not gonna be what I want.
161215
In the vast sea of people, I could only see you.
The early afternoon sun shimmered on your face through the window blinds.
My attention wasn’t on the speaker but you, yet yours was waiting patiently for this to end.
A hint of sadness was shown on your face, for what reasons I don’t know why.
My heart plunged down to the deepest of seas as I could do nothing about it.
161213
For that someone who lived forever.
To end my life, is to find someone who has the courage to love me.
Getting by day after day sending my closed ones off to afterlife is what I do. It hurts – because I remember every single death and memory I’ve been through.
You came like my sudden raging emotions. Small and light like violet petals. Something so petite yet having the ability to pull me towards you against gravity.
With a thud my heart fell next to yours. I’m mesmerised by your childlike behaviour – how you are always so fascinated by small little things like yourself.
I got reminded when the sword buried into my chest and took my last breath. My memories flashes from that scene to your beautiful face with an endearing smile.
Once again my breath gets taken away. This time, by you. In hundreds of years I’ve been finding someone to love me so that I can die – to cross over. So that I’m able to forget everything I remembered entirely throughout these decades.
The thought of my heart palpitating faster because of your existence causes my nervous systems to act up and I stand on my feet.
I have you now but I have to decide if I want you to let me die, or I want you to live with me forever.
161209: one sided
When people get into misunderstandings, it’s only because they have only listened to one side of the story.
Sometimes, it’s because they only chose to hear one side of the story.
We can also say that most kind of love is one sided too. Add two years to eight years and you get a decade. We all have choices and some – we use it to dedicate our time to someone who has no idea who we are and whether we exist or not.
Eight years of investing her youth on someone that probably doesn’t know her name nor her existence.
It’s sad, they say.
Working hard for an education, finding part-time jobs to supplement her collection of heavy and expensive lenses just to take quality photos of that man. It’s a fangirl life.
It’s difficult to explain how we can love someone so much without even knowing what kind of person that man actually is. The persona shown on television might be unreal, but we don’t want to know that. We just want to believe what we see and infer from it.
He’s kind, religious, filial. Tall, handsome and talented. He’s someone she wants to dedicate her life to. It’s not difficult because this has been cultivated in the culture itself. She doesn’t mind spending thousands to go overseas alone just to see him perform with his teammates.
The photos she edited, made into calendars, season greetings and photo books. The amount of fans trying to purchase her works motivates her to do better, to love that man more.
The people she has met throughout these eight years have given her joy and accompaniment.
All these friends and experiences she has received will never be erased from her memories because they are all good memories that she can fondly look back at.
2008.09.15 ~ 2016.12.09
Thank you for your utmost hard work and dedication to the fandom. Thank you for your love for him, so that we could have beautiful photos of him that you’ve spent your youth taking.
161125: saving grace
I’m not grace, either do I need anyone to save me.
But I want someone to be there for me,
someone whose arms I can fall into.
His warmth that can melt me into his embrace,
his coolheadedness that can warn me to stop.
When my head lies perfectly in the nook of his neck,
that’s when I know
he can save me from everything that I know.
Protected: 161028
161025
thunder.
you arrived like thunder
loud and clear.
my love for you stayed
while you walked into the darkness
into nowhere
nowhere that I could find you.
you leave me in the lurch
while I find things to fill
to fill the void you left.
I was listening
to the sounds that were deafening
silence was heard
as you left me hurt.
161010
With a heavy feeling in my heart, I’m typing this after visiting one of my relatives in the ICU.
I knew that she had many illnesses trapped in her frail body, but this time round it was serious. I’m not close to her. When I saw her with tubes stuck into her body and nose, it hurt me physically and my eyes started to tear. She couldn’t talk – but the redness in her moist eyes, I could tell that she wanted to so badly. I could tell that she knew her situation was bad and that she wanted out of this. Nobody asked her to be in this condition. It was all too sudden – during a long awaited gathering with her close friends, her plate of food fell and she couldn’t feel anything in her right arm. It was a stroke. Nobody knew it was coming, that unmerciful thing.
Why did God let her suffer this when she was already suffering from so many other illnesses? What did she do so wrong in order to suffer all these? I don’t know.
Looking at her lying on the hospital bed, I wondered. I wondered what if I was the one lying there instead of her? It hurt me still. It hurt me that I wouldn’t be able to do the things I want, the things that I want to accomplish before I die. It hurt me when the thought of others coming to pay me a visit. Others who aren’t close to me in life. Why are they here? I don’t need their pity looks. I want to cry. God, how much do I have to pay to stay like these for another two more months? Please, just, take my pain away.
161009
How do we escape from the clutches of worldly matters and desires?
It’s always a challenge to handle financial problems of our own. In order to maintain our social statuses and material wants, everyone are needy for cash. When facing dire financial situations, where do we go to seek help? Legal money lenders such as the banks or through illegal means like the loan sharks? Do we seek our friends that are willing to help but incapable of?
I myself has never faced any financial problems even though I often moan out “I’m broke!” in frustration. For those who face financial problems, do they actually realise that it’s a major problem that they can’t ignore in order to live well?
When we know that we’re in dire need of a sudden rain of money, but we still continue shopping for our material wants. Clothes, bags, shoes, accessories, things that we find pretty, food etc. We don’t actually need them but we get them anyway. Such desires, are they worth regretting over when we find out our bank account is slowly decreasing until we can’t swipe our cards anymore? Are they worth crying over when we can actually think thrice before purchasing them?
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